Breaking the Ice
by miSSmeliSS1324124
Summary: "It was like they needed to see him how they wanted to remember him. They wanted to get that image of his still unmoving body out of their heads."


They weren't sure how they ended up like this. Logan and Kendall had just gotten home from one of the worst experiences in their lives and they found themselves watching home movies. It was like they needed to see him how they wanted to remember him. They wanted to get that image of his still unmoving body out of their heads. Their parents didn't bother them as the two boys watched their most cherished memories like they were in a trance.

They were both filled with so many emotions they couldn't believe they were handling them. Actually Logan wasn't handling it. He was filled with so much grief like Kendall and… James was but he was also filled with so much guilt. It was overwhelming him and almost crushing him. He didn't know how he was breathing. It felt like someone was sitting on his chest.

Kendall, even though he didn't show it, was grieving as well. Carlos was so important to him and it killed him every time he was reminded that he would never see his smiling face again. Mostly Kendall was angry. He was angry that Carlos was taken from them so suddenly and he was angry at James for acting the way he did. They were suffering enough he didn't need to make it worse.

"I'm sorry." It was a meek whisper but Kendall still heard it loud and clear. Logan covered his face with his hands and let out a muffled sob. Kendall wrapped his arms around him tightly and didn't bother to say anything as Logan sobbed uncontrollably. When he started repeatedly apologizing again, like he had done so many times before, Kendall could only whisper reassuringly in a desperate attempt to make him believe that it wasn't his fault.

It was difficult for Kendall to keep his tears at bay but he managed to do it. Even though he was hurting just as much he had to protect Logan. He had to protect him from the overwhelming grief and he had to protect him from the harsh words from someone Kendall was considering to refer to as a former friend.

He wouldn't tell Logan that though. Logan would feel even worse if he thought he tore their lifelong friendship apart.

* * *

><p>2 week prior:<p>

Logan walked into the living room and smiled when he found Carlos sitting with his legs up on the coffee table completely absorbed in the TV. Logan walked over to the couch and jumped over the back to sit next to Carlos. He didn't seem to notice though and just continued to stare wide eyed at the screen.

He was watching a program on mountain climbers. Carlos fascination with it always surprised Logan. He never really thought Carlos would ever find something like that interesting but he did. He didn't have the attention span to like the same thing for too long. When it came to mountain climbing, though, Carlos could never be deterred. It was probably the danger. Carlos always liked to do things that were dangerous. He got such a trill from it. Something that Logan could never understand. Logan was a little bit of a thrill seeker. He did like to go on the highest buildings and the fastest rides but he had a limit. There were just some things that were just too uncertain for him.

"We should go mountain climbing." Logan didn't bother to look at Carlos as he chuckled.

"Sure Carlos why not." Carlos suddenly turned away from the TV so he was fully facing Logan.

"Really?' Logan turned to Carlos with a raised eyebrow.

"Huh?"

"Do you really think we can go mountain climbing?" Logan blinked a few times before what Carlos was asking really sunk in.

"Well maybe… but Carlos you shouldn't just rush into it. You need to do research and make sure you have the proper equipment. Not to mention you need to determine a location and figure out what would be appropriate for you to wear and…" Carlos threw his hand over Logan's mouth and pouted.

"You're taking the fun out of all of this." Logan rolled his eyes and pulled his head back to get Carlos' hand off of his mouth.

"Carlos this is serious. I know you want to have fun but mountain climbing can be dangerous."

"Oh you worry too much Logie! I'm sure it will be great. So will you do it with me?" Carlos gave Logan his most innocent and excited face. That face was the same reason why Logan agreed to get Carlos a playboy when they were 14 and the reason why Logan agreed to spot Carlos as he jumped from his bedroom window to the tree outside.

The next thing Logan knew Carlos was jumping up and down in excitement while he nodded his head. Something was telling him this was a huge, horrible mistake but Logan couldn't help but smile at the fact that Carlos was happy. When he finally stopped jumping around he plopped down on the couch and gave Logan a big smile.

"Ok Logie what do we need to do?" Logan scratched the back of his head and turned so he was facing Carlos.

"Well we should plan it on a weekend so we won't have to worry about Gustavo killing us. We also have to pick a mountain to climb but I don't know…"

"I know one!" Logan raised an eyebrow at Carlos.

"You do?"

"Yea there's a place like four hours from here. It's a reserve or something so people are always there. You won't have to worry about no one being around Logie because they have park rangers and stuff." Logan nodded and felt a little more relieved. If people climbed at this all the time it was probably a more controlled environment. It wouldn't be as hostile and they wouldn't be completely alone if something went wrong.

"Ok Carlos we'll climb there." Carlos jumped up again and cheered.

"I'll get ready so we can go shopping for stuff. We'll need coats and gloves and…" Logan held his hand up with furrowed eyebrows.

"Coats and gloves? Why would we need that?" Carlos scoffed at Logan like the answer was obvious.

"Cause we're going Ice Mountain climbing duh!" When Carlos left the room Logan slouched in his chair and let out a sigh.

"Wonderful." He looked up to the ceiling and threw his hands up. "Why do I have a feeling this is going to end horribly?"

* * *

><p>"You want to go mountain climbing?" Kendall and James gave each other looks as Carlos and Logan nodded their heads. After they took a few seconds to absorb the information Kendall pointed toward the ground as he spoke.<p>

"This Saturday." Carlos nodded once and smiled.

"Yep."

"Carlos and I, mostly I, did all the research already. We got all the gear and we know how to get there. I think it will be ok." James and Kendall looked at each other again seeming uneasy with the idea. They expected this sort of thing from Carlos but Logan? It was a little unusual for the smart boy to want to do something like this.

"Well ok if you're sure…" Carlos smiled at Kendall and jumped up cheering. When Kendall saw the happiness on Carlos' face he instantly knew why Logan would go along with this. He was the type of person who liked to make his friends happy.

"Do you guys wanna come with?" Carlos sat back down and gave Kendall and James puppy dog eyes. Unfortunately Kendall had seen Katie give him the same look enough to become immune to it.

"Sorry Carlitos James and I are going on a double date with Jo and Camille."

"You're still ok with me dating Camille right Logie." Logan gave James a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

"Don't worry James Camille and I are just friends now." James let out a sigh of relief and returned Logan's smile. Kendall then looked at the clock and stood up.

"We better head over to the recording studio. Gustavo will kill us if we're late." James, Carlos, and Logan nodded standing up as well. Carlos basically skipped out of the apartment while his three friends laughed at him. He didn't care though, he couldn't wait for Saturday.

* * *

><p>"Wake up Logie!" Carlos jumped on Logan's bed nearly crushing him. Logan let out a groan of annoyance and pushed Carlos off of him.<p>

"Carlos! What the hell!" Logan glanced at the clock and let out another groan as he covered his head with his pillow. "I set my alarm to go off at 6:30 not 5 let me sleep!"

"But Logie can't we go now! I can't wait any longer."

"No Carlos just go back to sleep!"

"But…"

"No!"

"Please…"

"No!"

"Logan..." Kendall let out an annoyed sound and sat up in his bed. He took his pillow and threw it at Carlos.

"Will you get out of here? Not all of us want to be up at five in the morning!" Carlos ran out of the room while he was continuously pelted with Kendall's stuff. When he was finally a safe distance away he let out a huff and decided to watch TV. He was already dressed and ready so there was no way he was going to get himself to go back to sleep.

When it was finally 6:30 Carlos listened carefully and smiled at the sound of Logan's alarm going off. He watched from the couch as Logan shuffled out of his room and went to the bathroom. When he came out 20 minutes later showered and dressed to find Carlos still staring at him he raised an eyebrow.

"You're starting to freak me out Carlos." Carlos ignored the comment and jumped up.

"Are you ready?" Logan let out a sigh and rolled his eyes.

"Yes." Carlos cheered and practically dragged Logan out the door. They put all the stuff they needed in the car ahead of time so they didn't need to bring anything down with them. They were taking Mrs. Knight's rental car instead of the big time rush mobile because not only did they need room to put all their gear but Mrs. Knight wasn't comfortable with them driving such a far distance in a convertible. She thought the van would be a lot safer for Logan to drive.

"Alright let's get going."

* * *

><p>When they finally arrived Carlos jumped out of the car and went to the trunk. He pulled out his coat and put it on while Logan did the same. They then put on their snow boots and belts with all their gear.<p>

Logan was surprised at such a drastic climate distance. He didn't feel like they had gone that far but when they entered the park and got to the entrance for the base of the mountain it was all snow.

"Ready Logie." Carlos shifted his pack and gave Logan a big smile. Logan smiled back and nodded.

"Ready." The two boys passed through the gate and started. It turned out to be more like a hike then actually mountain climbing. It didn't seem that hard at first but as they got higher and went farther the snow became deeper. Eventually Logan and Carlos were about calf deep in snow.

"Look at that Logie!" Logan wiped his brow and looked up. He didn't really expect to see anything truly amazing considering Carlos had called his attention at least 30 times already but he saw made his jaw drop.

"Is that a moose?"

"It's so big! I want to pet it…" Carlos stuck an arm up and began walking forward. Logan nearly fell over trying to pull him back.

"Idiot that thing could kill you!"

"But Logie…"

"No! No touch!" Carlos pouted and they continued on their way. They stopped about halfway to take a break and took in the scenery. It was truly beautiful and Logan was starting to think going with Carlos was one of the best ideas he's ever had.

"Let's get going Logie." Logan nodded and got up. He noticed after a few minutes it was getting harder to walk with the rising incline.

"Wait Carlos." Logan stopped and reached into his pack. He grabbed a rope and attached one side to his belt. "Take this." Carlos nodded and attached the other side to himself. It was going to get harder from here and in case something went wrong Logan wanted them to stay together.

After another 20 minutes Logan was getting tired again. He wasn't sure how Carlos was able to keep such a steady pace but he knew they needed to take a break or he would just slow them down more.

"Carlos let's take a break." Carlos nodded and looked around.

"Let's sit on that hill over there we can get a better look around." Logan nodded and started following Carlos over. When he was about halfway there he felt his legs sink into the snow unusually deep. He looked down and tilted his head in confusion as snow started to crack and sink around him. Before he could even think he was falling and falling fast.

Logan let out a scream before he managed to get some of his senses back and dug his ice pick (**A/N: Idk anything about climbing so I don't know what you would actually use. I know it's not this but I couldn't think of anything else lol) **into the wall of the hole. Just like in some sort of movie Logan slide down the wall gradually slowing down. He stopped right above a piece of ice that was jutting out from the rest of the wall and stood on top of it.

Logan let out a sigh of relief and decided to connect himself to the piece of ice just in case. He was about to call up to Carlos to tell him he was fine and to help him up when he noticed the rope connecting himself to Carlos was slacking.

Logan had dragged Carlos into the hole with him and he was now falling. He wasn't in the right position to grab onto the wall so without thinking Logan reached out and grabbed onto him.

The force caused them both to fall over and they were now hanging. Logan's harness tightened suddenly around him and he screamed in pain when he heard the cracking of bones. He was gasping for breath and struggling to pull himself up. The harness was so tight around him he couldn't breathe.

"Logan!" Logan gasped and glanced down at Carlos who seemed to just get his bearings. His eyes were wide with fear and it was clear he was at a loss at what to do. Carlos shifted so he could hold onto Logan's hand and tried to pull himself up.

Carlos realized quickly that he was dead weight to Logan and if he didn't find a way to get himself up Logan would suffocate.

Carlos finally got a hold on the ice and started helping Logan up. When he was finally high enough that his harness wasn't crushing him he took in a deep breath and let out a pained grown. He climbed up onto the ice then turned to Carlos to help him up.

Logan grabbed Carlos' arm and grit his teeth as his ribs protested.

"Carlos come on you need to help me." Carlos tried pulling himself up but fell back down. When he tried and failed again his eyes began to sting. He used all his energy to help Logan he didn't have anything else. In less Logan was suddenly better there wasn't anything that could be done.

"Logie I can't." Logan paused for a second then tried harder. When he heard another crack he cried out in pain and wrapped an arm around his torso.

"Come on Carlos pull yourself up!" Logan gasped and frantically grabbed at Carlos when he slipped more.

"Logie… I can't." Logan shook his head and with all his strength he pulled Carlos up. He wrapped his arms around Carlos' torso and began pulling him up. He almost had Carlos up to safety until they both fell again.

This time Logan didn't have a chance to save Carlos. He could only watch as he fell into darkness.

"CARLOS!" Logan gasped at the pain in his ribs. He pulled himself up then glanced back down below. "Carlos!"

Logan felt so stupid for expecting an answer but a part of him was praying it wasn't as deep as it looked. Remembering the rope connecting them Logan tugged on it hoping Carlos would pull back. He began tugging more and when he felt the dead weight at the end he let go and covered his mouth when he was hit with a sudden wave of nausea.

Logan leaned back and let out a sob. His body shook and his ribs ached. Carlos… was… gone…

"Carlos I'm so sorry." When Logan finally pulled himself together he glanced up and let out a sigh. He was so far down and he wasn't sure if he could do it. Logan looked back down at his lap and felt his body go limp.

What was the point? Why should he try?

"_Don't you dare give up Logie." _Logan shook his head and looked around. For a second he almost thought Carlos was there with him but when he realized it was just his imagination he felt his heart break.

Logan kept hearing Carlos' voice on repeat in his head to the point it was getting annoying. Why should he be surprised though, it was just like Carlos to annoy him. Logan slowly stood up and grit his teeth when he felt a jolt of pain. Carlos wouldn't want him to give up so he wouldn't.

Logan took in a breath and stuck began climbing. He took his time deciding that rushing wouldn't get him there faster it would only raise the chance of him falling again.

The pain he was feeling in his body was unimaginable and at some points he had to stop and take a breath. His vision blurred a few times and even went dark at the edges but he knew he had to keep climbing. Carlos' voice kept telling him to keep going so he wasn't going to let him down.

Logan could see the surface and climbed that much faster so he could get to the top. His chest arched and his limbs were on fire but he needed to make it. He couldn't let it end like this. Logan let out a groan as he stuck the pick in the ice and pulled himself up higher. When he was finally close enough to the whole he had fallen into to puncture the sides he reached up and stuck the ice pick in. Logan thought this meant he could relax more but as he tried to pull himself up he started slipping back down into the hole. The snow around the hole was too soft and shifted to much. Logan was sifting backwards more and more and he couldn't get a good hold onto anything.

Logan clawed at the ground frantically. He worked so hard to get this far he couldn't let that go to waste at the last second. Suddenly Logan could hear Carlos in his head again. He was telling him to go for it. He was egging Logan on and Logan knew he had to risk it.

Logan lunged forward with a shout and embedded the ice pick into the ground. When it finally stuck he pulled himself up and out of the hole before rolling onto his back. He was panting heavily as he looked up at the clear blue sky. Seeing the outside world was such a relief and the chilling breeze and sunset was a reminder that he was alive.

Logan sat up with a groan and moved farther away from the hole. He pulled an ice screw out of his pack and stuck it into the ground. He silently turned the handle a few times to make sure it wouldn't shift or move out of place before placing shaking hands on his belt.

Tears began to roll down Logan's face unchecked as he slowly untied the rope that connected himself to Carlos. He was severing the last link he had with Carlos and now that he was safe the full weight of what happened consumed him. He tied the rope to the ice screw and laid back against the ground. Logan's body shook as he sobbed uncontrollably. He didn't feel the cold and he didn't feel physical pain or fear anymore. The only thing he was feeling was the weight of the loss of one of his best friends. One of the most important people he has ever met in his entire life was gone and it was all his fault.

Logan could suddenly hear voices in the distance but he didn't move to call for help. He was so drained and to consumed with guilt to do anything. He didn't deserve to be rescued. He killed his best friend. He didn't deserve anything.

When everything around Logan began to blur and spin and the loud voices became muffled the last thing he thought before everything went black was,

"_I knew this was a bad idea."_

* * *

><p>Kendall thought his date was going perfectly. He always loved going on group dates because it took some of the pressure off. There were more people to have fun with so there were never those awkward silences.<p>

That fact that it was James as made things more interesting. He wasn't as insane as Carlos but he knew how to have a good time. James was the life of the party after all so there was never a dull moment with him around.

What Kendall didn't expect during this perfect date was to get a frantic call from his mother saying that something had gone terribly wrong. He could feel his heart start racing and panic rising. He didn't know what was going to happen but the sudden bad feeling in the pit of his stomach made him expect the worst.

Kendall stepped away from the groups so he could hear his mother better.

"Mom what happened?"

"_Where are you Kendall? Something happened we need to get to the hospital now!" _

"What happened?"

"_I don't know honey I got a call from the hospital Logan is there."_ Kendall's eyes widened and he gasped.

"Is he ok? Please tell me he's ok!"

_I don't know anything Kendall. We have to get to the hospital to find out."_

"Ok I'm at the movies with James."

"_Ok I'm a block away be outside."_ Kendall was about to hang up and get James when something occurred to him.

"W-wait mom what about Carlos!" There was a pause that chilled Kendall to his bones.

"_I don't know they didn't say anything about Carlos. I'm sure he's fine and will be waiting for us when we get there."_

"Ok bye." Kendall hung up and ran over to the group. He grabbed James' shoulder and turned him around. James was a little annoyed at first but the look on Kendall's face silenced him.

"Kendall wha…"

"We have to go. Logan's in the hospital." James eyes widened. He turned towards Jo and Camille who looked at each other with matching looks of concern.

"Can you two find your own way home?"

"Don't worry James I'll call my dad. Just make sure Logan's ok." James gave Camille and hug while Kendall hugged Jo. They said goodbye to the girls before they ran outside. Mrs. Knight was just pulling up with Katie in the passenger seat.

Normally Kendall would try to force Katie to sit in the back because he wanted to sit in the front but today he didn't care. He jumped in the back with James and as they closed the door Mrs. Knight sped off.

"What happened and what about Carlos?" James looked to Mrs. Knight for answers but she didn't say anything only focusing on the road. When a minute passed Katie turned towards the back.

"We don't know anything and they didn't say anything about Carlos." James nodded and gave Kendall a look before he sat back in his seat. He clenched his fists in his lap and stared at the window. He was mentally begging Mrs. Knight to go faster and get their quicker. His friends needed him.

When they pulled up to the hospital Katie, Kendall, and James ran inside as Mrs. Knight went to get parking. They couldn't help but search the waiting room hoping to find Carlos but he wasn't there. They went to the nurse's desk Kendall placing his hands on the top and leaning forward.

"I'm looking for Logan Mitchell." The nurse began typing Logan's name as she spoke.

"Are you family."

"No but my mom's his guardian and she's, Kendall pointed to Mrs. Knight as she walked in, "Right there." The nurse nodded and type a few more things.

"He's in room 119 Dr. Stevens is expecting you." Kendall nodded and the group ran down the hall. When they reached 119 and went inside Logan was sleeping peacefully. He didn't look too bad at first glance but the room was a little warmer and he was covered with blankets. Logan's face was a little paler and they would see bandages poking out from under his hospital gown.

As soon as they walked in Dr. Stevens who was looking at Logan's chart looked up. He placed it down on the bed and held out his hand for Mrs. Knight to shake.

"Hello I'm Dr. Stevens and you are?"

"Sharon Knight." Dr. Stevens nodded and picked up Logan's chart again.

"Well Logan should be fine with rest. He has four broken ribs and bruising on his chest. He has some cuts but nothing to serious. His body temperature was a little low when he was first brought here but he wasn't hypothermic. Once he wakes up he should be free to go." They all let out collected sighs of reliefs but Kendall was still uneasy. He looked around the room and still there was no Carlos.

"W-what about Carlos?" When Dr. Stevens looked confused Kendall felt even more terrified. Before the doctor could respond Logan groaned. Kendall and James were the first to move to Logan's side as he shifted in his bed. His eyes fluttered open and he took a look around before his eyes landed on Kendall and James.

"Where…"

"You're in the hospital Logan." Kendall took Logan's hands in his and rubbed his knuckles with his thumbs. "Logie what happened? Where's Carlos?"

Logan flinched at the mention of Carlos' name and looked away from his two friends. He started shaking and more tears began to fall.

"I tried. I tried but t-there wasn't anything I could do. I-it's all my fault he's gone." James sat down on Logan's bed.

"Logan I don't understand."

"He's gone what about that don't you get!" Logan laid back against the bed and let out a sob. "Carlos I'm so sorry!" James sat back staring into space. Logan's crying faded out and he couldn't hear anything. He didn't even notice when he started crying until tear drops began to fall onto his hands. When he felt a hand on his shoulder everything seemed to move into focus again. He looked behind him to find Kendall and Logan lying on the hospital bed.

Kendall's eyes were puffy and his face was red. Logan was resting his head on Kendall's shoulder as Kendall slowly moved his fingers through Logan's hair.

"J-James." When James turned Katie was standing in front of him. Tears were rolling down her face as she bit her lip to hold back a sob.

He just couldn't do this.

James stood up quickly and ran out of the room. He ignored Mrs. Knight and Katie when they both called his name. He just couldn't be around them. Not now knowing that Carlos was gone. He wanted to be alone. He couldn't be around them when they were all crying like that. James wasn't sure where he wanted to go but he just needed to be somewhere where no one would bother him.

* * *

><p>Kendall felt so helpless. Carlos was gone and James left. Logan was beyond consoling and he didn't know about himself. He was supposed to keep them all together and it only took seconds for them to fall apart.<p>

He never realized how vital they each were to keeping the group together and he wish he didn't have to lose someone he cared about so much to figure that out. Carlos had been the sunshine in their lives and now he was gone.

The world just didn't seem warm and fun anymore. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. How could there be when the source of the light was gone. The true nature and cruelty of the world was revealed to him and he didn't know how he was going to handle it.

The only thing he could do was act in the here and now so right now he held onto Logan as tightly as he could and let out all his grief. That was the only thing he could think of doing and in this moment it made sense.

* * *

><p>When they left the hospital James had been in the car waiting for them. No one said anything because it was just too hard for them. Mrs. Knight was dreading the call she was going to have to make to Carlos' family. How was she supposed to tell them that she failed? She had been entrusted with the care of three family's precious babies and she couldn't even protect them.<p>

That wasn't the only conversation that no one wanted to have. As soon as Logan was calm enough he had to explain what had happened. There were park officials there when he explained the story so they knew were Carlos was.

The only good thing any of them could see was the fact that they were going to get Carlos. Carlos wouldn't have to rot at the bottom of some ice pit and they were relieved with that fact. He deserved to rest in peace.

When they got home James went straight to his and Carlos' room. He'd been ignoring all of them since the minute he found out and Kendall was worried.

"I better call Mr. and Mrs. Garcia." Mrs. Knight let out a shaky sigh and went into her room to get some privacy.

"I should call Gustavo and Kelly." Kendall looked down at Logan who was leaning against him. "Are you going to be ok?" Logan didn't even hesitate when he shook his head.

"How could I be ok? Carlos is gone and it's all my fault." Kendall pulled Logan into a tight hug.

"Stop saying that Logan. I don't want you blaming yourself. There's nothing you could have done to change what happened. You tried and that's all I could ask for. Carlos wouldn't want you blaming yourself. He knows you love him and he loves you just as much."

"B-but."

"No buts." Kendall glanced down he saw Katie walk over. She wrapped her arms around Logan so he was sandwiched between the two Knights.

"None of us are blaming you Logan." Katie rested her head on Logan's back and shut her eyes tightly. She didn't want to cry any more. Carlos never liked when she cried and she didn't want to upset him.

When they pulled apart Kendall wiped his eyes and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He let out a sigh and gave Logan's shoulder a final squeeze.

"I'm going to call Kelly. Why don't you make sure James is ok." Logan nodded and went straight to James and Carlos' room. He hesitated for a moment before walking in not sure if he could handle seeing all of Carlos' things. Knowing that he would never sleep in his bed again and that he would never wear his clothes again and never wear his helmet again just broke his heart.

"J-James?" When Logan walked inside James was sitting on Carlos' bed holding his helmet. He didn't look up when Logan walked in and he didn't respond. "James are you ok?"

"How can I be ok?" James looked up at Logan with an expression of anger. "How can I ever be ok knowing Carlos is gone?"

"I know it's hard James but we can get through this…"

"There is no we Logan." James stood up and walked over to Logan so they were only inches apart.

"J-James…"

"Carlos wasn't supposed to die Logan! He had a full life ahead of him! We needed him and you just let him die!" Logan stepped back when James stepped forward again.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happ…"'

"It doesn't matter because it did happen and it's all your fault!"

"I'm sorry James please just listen!" James shoved Logan making him stumble backwards.

"I don't want to hear it! Nothing you can ever say will make this better! Carlos died because of you! You killed him!"

"That's not true!" James went to leave but Logan grabbed his arm. He spun around and fisted Logan's shirt before shoving him into the wall. Logan yelped and for the first time in his life he was afraid of James.

James let go with his right hand and held it up ready to punch Logan. Logan looked between James fist and his face before swallowing hard.

"James you promised you would never hurt me again."

"That was when we were friends."

"What the hell is going on in here?" Kendall appeared at the door and ran over to his two friends. He pulled James off of Logan and pushed him backwards so there was a space between them. "James?" James glanced at Kendall then looked back at Logan who hadn't moved away from the wall. He glared at Logan and shrugged Kendall's arms off him.

"I _**hate**_ you." Kendall watched wide eyed as James left the room. Never in his life has he ever heard James speak to anyone like that. His words were filled with malice.

"Kendall…"

Logan had slid down the wall ignoring the slight ache in his ribs. He had wrapped his arms around his legs and was staring up at Kendall with tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Kendall please, please don't hate me too. I can't lose you I can't lose everyone I love in one day."

"Logie…" Kendall knelt down next to Logan and pulled him into another hug. Logan was holding onto him so tightly like he was afraid he would leave him. "I'll never leave you Logan I promise."

Kendall let out a sigh and glanced towards the door. He half expected James to walk back in with a sad guilty look on his face but a bigger part of him said he wouldn't. Another part of him was begging for Carlos to come walking in but Kendall knew that wouldn't happen either.

Frankly, nothing Kendall wanted was going right at the moment. Their lives had been so drastically changed and they weren't ready for it. They were supposed to continue the band together. Then get married and raise kids together. Then they would grow old together and share stories of the good old days as they sat on some porch in some town somewhere.

It was the perfect plan but life didn't care for perfect plans. It didn't care what ripping a friend away would do to you and it didn't care how much you suffered. Life just did as it wished and knocked people down along the way.

* * *

><p>James kept his distance from Logan ignoring him like the plague. It was a few days later and by now everyone had heard. Logan tried to leave the apartment a few times but the depressing atmosphere was too much. Every time he saw everyone's sad faces he couldn't help but think that he had done this.<p>

Up until the day of the funeral Logan stayed in his room. When Carlos' parents arrived the day before he didn't bother to greet them.

"Logie dinner's ready."

"I'm not hungry." Katie let out a sigh and hesitated before leaving Logan alone. She walked back to the kitchen and could feel everyone's eyes on her as she came back alone. Actually, all eyes except for James. He hasn't cared about Logan and Katie lost all respect for him. Carlos wouldn't want him to act this way and she knew Carlos would be very upset if he knew what James was doing to Logan.

Halfway through a silent awkward dinner Kendall had, had enough. He slammed his hands on the table and stood up. He grabbed James by his shirt and pulled him into the hallway so they could talk privately.

"I can't believe you James." James leaned against the wall and didn't make eye contact. "Logan feels guilty enough and you're just making it worse. You know Logan didn't cause this. You're just pig headed and think nothing makes sense unless there is someone to blame!"

"That's not…"

"Yes it is and guess what sometimes there is no one to blame. Sometimes there is no reason for things to happen. People die every day and even though we hate it we have to live through it. We have to live through it together." When James didn't respond Kendall sighed and shook his head. "If Carlos could see you now… you know what he would say."

Kendall stepped away from James and went back into the apartment. He wasn't sure if he had gotten through to him but he honestly didn't care anymore. He was going to protect Logan even if it ruined his friendship with James.

* * *

><p>"Logie we have to leave soon…" Kendall stood at the door watching Logan. He was wearing black jeans and a t-shirt while standing in front of his closet. A suit was on his bed but he didn't move to put it on. "Logie?"<p>

"I can't do it." Logan ran into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. Kendall let out a sigh and turned on his heels. He walked into the living where everyone else was.

"Logan locked himself in the bathroom." Kendall looked right at James as he spoke but James didn't look at him. He just played with the end of his tie while he stared at the floor. Mrs. Knight was the first to do anything. She let out a sigh and stood from the couch but she stopped when a hand was placed on her shoulder.

Logan sat between the wall and the toilet with Carlos' favorite stuffed animal held tightly to his chest. He swiped it one night when he had a really bad nightmare. He knew James noticed and he knew he was angry at Logan for taking it but Logan didn't care. He needed a piece of Carlos.

When there was a soft knock on the door Logan glanced in that direction but ignored it. He was sure they had gone away until the door was suddenly knocked down. Logan nearly jumped out of his skin and turned. To his surprise It wasn't Kendall or Mrs. Knight it was Mr. Garcia. He stepped over the door and walked inside. Logan down feeling his body begin to shake.

"Logan…" Mr. Garcia sat down on the edge of the tube and let out a sigh when Logan didn't look up at him. "Why aren't you dressed?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

"It's not right." Mr. Garcia let out another sigh.

"I know but things like this happen…" Mr. Garcia trailed off when Logan shook his head. He held the stuffed animal closer to himself and buried his face in his knees.

"I can't go knowing this happened because of me." Logan looked up at Mr. Garcia for the first time. "How can you even look at me? I took your son from you." Mr. Garcia frowned and stood. He grabbed Logan's shoulder and pulled him up ignoring the way he flinched and shook even more.

"You listen to me Logan. This is _**not **_your fault! You didn't make Carlos go. You didn't make either of you fall and you didn't make this happen. You didn't take my son away from me. You did all you could to save Carlos and he knows that we all know that. Do you understand me." Logan let out a sob and fisted Mr. Garcia's shirt when he pulled him into a tight hug.

He still felt so wrong for receiving comfort from him but a part of Logan knew he was right. He knew he didn't do anything on purpose but he couldn't help but blame himself especially when James found it so easy to do.

"Why don't you get dressed ok?" Logan hesitated but nodded. Mr. Garcia ruffled his hair and gave him a smile. When Mr. Garcia left Logan could see his shoulders shaking slightly. The four boys had always thought Mr. Garcia was the strongest man in the world but even he couldn't hide the way he felt.

* * *

><p>They weren't sure how they ended up like this. Logan and Kendall had just gotten home from one of the worst experiences in their lives and they found themselves watching home movies. It was like they needed to see him how they wanted to remember him. They wanted to get that image of his still unmoving body out of their heads. Their parents didn't bother them as the two boys watched their most cherished memories like they were in a trance.<p>

They were both filled with so many emotions they couldn't believe they were handling them. Actually Logan wasn't handling it. He was filled with so much grief like Kendall and… James was but he was also filled with so much guilt. It was overwhelming him and almost crushing him. He didn't know how he was breathing. It felt like someone was sitting on his chest.

Kendall, even though he didn't show it, was grieving as well. Carlos was so important to him and it killed him every time he was reminded that he would never see his smiling face again. Mostly Kendall was angry. He was angry that Carlos was taken from them so suddenly and he was angry at James for acting the way he did. They were suffering enough he didn't need to make it worse.

"I'm sorry." It was a meek whisper but Kendall still heard it loud and clear. Logan covered his face with his hands and let out a muffled sob. Kendall wrapped his arms around him tightly and didn't bother to say anything as Logan sobbed uncontrollably. When he started repeatedly apologizing again, like he had done so many times before, Kendall could only whisper reassuringly in a desperate attempt to make him believe that it wasn't his fault.

It was difficult for Kendall to keep his tears at bay but he managed to do it. Even though he was hurting just as much he had to protect Logan. He had to protect him from the overwhelming grief and he had to protect him from the harsh words from someone Kendall was considering to refer to as a former friend.

He wouldn't tell Logan that though. Logan would feel even worse if he thought he tore their lifelong friendship apart.

Kendall looked up when he heard someone clear their throat. He glanced up and glared when he found James watching them.

"What do you want?" James ignored Kendall and hesitantly walked over to the two. He sat down on the table in front of them trying to ignore the way Kendall was staring at him.

"Logan I'm so sorry." Logan sniffed and looked up at James.

"Why?" James shook his head and chuckled darkly.

"Why? I was horrible to you and you didn't deserve it. Carlos would hate me if he knew what I said to you. I took my anger out on you and I shouldn't have. I just… I miss him so much but you miss him too. You're probably worse off than me and I just made it worse."

"James…"

"Please don't blame yourself anymore Logan. You didn't do any of this." James bit his lip to hold back a sob. "I just hope you forgive me. I already lost one friend I don't want to lose anymore." Logan nodded and pulled James into a hug. He let out a sigh of relief feeling a weight lifted off his shoulders. Logan knew this didn't make things better and he knew neither of them would ever be ok but it was a relief to know they still had each other.

They needed each other and when Kendall joined into the hug he swore he could feel another set of arms embracing them. He didn't fight it though because he knew as long as they stuck together Carlos would always be with them. He was a part of them that could never be erase. Even if things looked dark and even when it felt like their world was crashing around them they would get through it. They had to.

**A/N: Finally! The one shot I've been promising for like ever! Anyway, thought of this while watching "I shouldn't be alive". I only saw the last five minutes so I don't know exactly what happened but this was basically it. What got me the most was when the narrator was talking about how the one guy had to untie himself from his friend. It just seemed so heartbreaking and untying the rope wasn't just simply untying the rope anymore. He was severing his connection with his best friend and the thought killed me.**

**Another thing I learned was that the mountain they were climbing in the episode was MT. Rainier and the first thing I thought was "That could have be James!" so glad it wasn't.**

**On another note I am super upset about the kid's choice awards! I'm not surprised that icarly won for best show but I was sure BTR had best group in the bag! For the longest time the Jonas brothers were the favorite and now that they've fallen out of popularity I thought BTR was going to get it but then the black eyed peas won? I like them but since when were kids voting for them? This just really angered me. =[**

**It just proves that it's not the kids choice awards anymore it's more like the teen choice awards. Anything made for children never really wins. Black eyed peas are more of a teen band and icarly is more of a teen show. I'm 19 years old and I watch icarly. Actually most of my friend's watch it and my 2 year old niece does not. Teens are voting not kids so shows made for teens win. My niece watches BTR and I'm probably one of the only people my age I know who watches it. If kids actually voted then BTR definitely would have walked away with a blimp. **

**Anyway I hope you enjoyed this.**


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